This Week in Hollyweird.....

Insanely good birthday....I mean best ever, or at least equal with my 10th when I got that x-wing fighter. The whole world is getting weirder by the day, perhaps this explains my current fixation with Alice in Wonderland...Definitely feeling like I stepped through the looking glass at some point.... This is not a problem I think I am going to give this life a good shot, and not worry about trying to get back. The idea of a move back to Bathurst however is not sitting well with me or other parties with a vested interest in my location.

This needs some real thought....There is this lovely long list of things that become easier if I do move.....but there is a shorter list of things that don't. And the things that don't, don't want me to go. I know it may make things better for the kids, and better for the EX to get access to kids.... The school thing worries me, their current school is very expensive, but unique....but I am willing to believe that maybe offset by input from their mother.....Maybe the biggest stumbling block for me, this week, is what's in it for me. Selfish maybe, but also honest. If I feel like I have made yet another sacrifice, their is a chance I will start to resent it, I don't like being that person. I may have to work out a deal with the ex..... For the sake of myself and kids, she has a successful career, financial security and a nice big super plan. I have ..... ummmmmm ...... well not a lot of long term prospects, at this point, and zero financial security. Don't get me wrong I don't think the world or my ex owes me the world, but maybe it would be nice to be recognized for the part I played in her getting to where she is.

On the happy memory part.... Vivid Festival in Sydney was amazing and relaxing and joyful....

On the work front, well busy social life means way behind in work......This week I will try harder.



And Straight on till Morning.....

Just back from a great weekend in Sydney, Saw the lights, Drank the wine and lived.....Felt great....feels great.... In a weird place emotionally right now. I know it is to soon to be rushing into anything, but I just want to be happy. What's the point of waiting around to see what happens, to much looking before leaping, in my life.... Close your eyes and jump is the new motto....

The Day After......

Just a quick post today, still in middle of birthday week......First stop parent teacher night at school, that should be a barrel of something they put in a barrel. Then a very long overdue night out....A nice sleep in tomorrow and then a slow trip to a flash hotel in Sydney....and then tomorrow night, dinner in The Rocks and a few hours wandering around the Vivid Festival, light art installations, scattered around the harbour and streets of The Rocks. I have been the last two years....

The Lapin's Birthday message.....

Sharing a birthday with the queen rocks.....Mainly because it often means my birthday has been a day off for the nation!!! How special am I ;) this year however it is a Wednesday and the long weekend is not for a few days.....how will people know to thank me?

It has been a really good day, and that is very surprising.....because I have in the past had a long string of cursed birthdays.... So maybe this positive new attitude has convinced Karma to give me a break this year.

I awoke to cheerful birthday greetings from cheerful children....

I collected a gift from the post office....as mood lightning as it was unexpected....

After that a very lovely lunch with my bestus friend....and some gifts that required no feigning of enthusiasm!!!

Some smelly stuff, an insomnia journal and a fake book for keeping my stash in.....as soon as I have something worth stashing that is.....

Off for a birthday with friends and kids and cake.....feeling v.loved and lucky.

Just back......and cake can make you happy :)

Chocolate Bunny cake...that is chocolate cake with a bunny on it....not a chocolate bunny.... the bunny is marzipan, which is much tastier than velveteen.



Blind Sided by Epiphany.......

And there it is folks......the pre birthday Epiphany....bugger....

I have always believed that although shitty things happen and people do something that effects you negatively, once you acknowledge it your screwed....you have to stop blaming the world for how you are behaving, and own it.....bugger.....

Had a conversation with the now officially EX last night that resulted in the bloody Epiphany, 2 seconds after putting the phone down..... For all the other crap I could blame her for .... I am the one who ended the relationship by my own actions. So I don't even get to be angry at her anymore....Well that just blows, I was only running on angst....

So undiscovered country lays ahead.....Hopefully at some point down the track I can patch up some kind of friendship with her. I mourn the loss of that, but we said what we both  needed to hear.....this wasn't a trial separation this was the end of that part of our lives.

Hmmmmm........ this is all a bit much to take before coffee.

Afternoon....about two and and half hours after..... Just had a nice long talk with the daddy..... that really helped ..... talked to him about the separation being a permanent one ....He pointed out that once you separate the only thing it achieves is letting you know you can cope .... Wise man for an old hippy .... So I talked to him about my business plan, and the kids, school and the possibility of moving back to bathurst for the ex and kids sake.... He asked is that what I want .... I must admit it isn't .... yet .....I think moving back now would be very destructive for the ex and I ..... I want to see out this year up here I think .... I need the distance right now to let this go .... I want to be her friend and have her in my life .... but I can't do that till I am over the relationship and in a healthy place with it .... Also not sure my son is quiet ready to change schools just yet ..... 7 months is a very long time in his world .... But I suspect he would get eaten alive at this point ..... I don't want to separate them from their mother .... I suspect she has the makings of a very good one .... if she had the chance, which she didn't have while we were together.... I was mum and dad most of the time .... and that cheated us both.

So I will ask her to keep contact to the essentials for a while so we can both let go of the anger....I can't imaging my life without her in it .... so I will forgive her .... and myself and hope that if I can be a person she wants to know again.....without losing myself this time

Evening Post....... Bloody hell it's cold!!! They say it will snow tomorrow....Snow on my birthday, I could treat that as tabula rasa......

Yet Another Monday.......

Let the Birthday week begin!!!! Every single birthday, since I was 12, has blown.....Call it the result of a broken home...bad relationships....or some crap like that..... So Happy Friggan B'Day Week!!!

Today is involving finishing my new studio off, working on an Alice picture and a Blu-ray of Crank....very relaxing.....

The Evening post.....Ahhh of course the traditional birthday shit storm approaches.... Silly of me to think it wouldn't really. Probably bought half of it on myself this time..... got to learn to stop upping the obnoxious behaviour to the level where it gets a reaction.... I don't mean to do it....just don't cope very well with silence I guess. That is something I really need to get in check....That, and this nasty little see-saw effect that seems to be going on with getting my life together on a professional level vs falling apart on an emotional one.... I cant spend the rest of my life chewing Prozac like pez.... If this keeps up I will be very successful and miserable....I guess that's better than just miserable.

I Told You I Was Sick......

Spike Milligan wanted that on his grave stone.....I think he got it. I don't feel well but I don't think its quite that bad. Feeling a bit like I got nailed by the flu bus....Still managed to clear out the back room ready to put my drafting table in there. I will see if I can move it myself.....or see if the ex's drop the children lasts longer than five minutes and ask her?

Decided I need the house to be clean as by Wednesday, Not having another birthday in a disorganised house....Start as you mean to go on and all that motivational toss...

Today I will continue of the Alice theme......started to rough out an Cheshire Cat......Not sure where it is going yet.....Might see how I go with just black ink.....see how much darkness I can get with just pens...

A rough outline....fairly happy with the composition.....10pm and the flu is starting to kick in..... I will try and get the cat inked in the morning I think.....

Down the Rabbit Hole.....

Haircut has truly improved my mood.....It's a little too Rock n Rolla, but what the hell it's not like I have a day job. V.Relaxed day yesterday, Just hung about in a coffee shop, sketching and getting my head into a better place....been having a few serious tussles with the black dog lately, tussles that even the double dose of Prozac couldn't scare away....I have always been prone to depression....but I have also managed to keep it check....and today feeling like I have a good solid leash on it.....

Thinking of doing a series of pictures based around Alice in Wonderland.....So I thought a good start might be, to have a shot at doing something in the style John Tenniel's original Alice illustrations....and then evolve something of my own from those.....Here is my first shot at a Tenniel White Rabbit (unfortunately my scanner is too small to get his feet in, I think I need an A3 scanner)......

Thursday is the New Friday.....

Day Four of just getting on with stuff.....and I am just getting on with stuff. A quick run to school and back to finish framing picture....A clean of the house....Pick up kids....5 year olds Birthday party....Home for movie night with kids....it's a full life :) of course I will shoe horn in the stuff I want to do around that.... Coffee mainly... and some work of course.

Lunchtime - Present wrapped, House clean and a quick shower....Thinking about moving my bedroom into the front room, and putting the drafting table in the sun room.... That would make this a four bedroom house, I am not really using the other lounge room.....but I may leave that decision till after I look at a new house on Saturday morning.

After Party.....Oh dear God!!! 20 five year olds with limitless sugar and party noise makers......My ears are still ringing....Kids had a great time.....they are both now tired and complaining of stomache aches....Just like daddy after a party....Now I have a headache and no good time to blame it on....oh well, that's being a grown up for you.

Wednesday......The Power of Three.....

Middle of the week....Hump day....if only....actually I don't mind Wednesdays. My Daughters middle name is Wednesday.....I tell people it's because of the Addams family, which in part is true....but also she was conceived and born on a Wednesday....It is a name she has grown into, my creepy little spider lovin monkey.

Just wrapping up another water colour tonight, I have birthday party to take the kids to tomorrow...Bathurst on Friday.....I have been considering a haircut.....I need a change....Tempted to walk in and ask for a HARD MAN.....This is amusing if you ever watched coupling. My hair grows so damn fast a good haircut lasts about two weeks before it starts to look crap.....So the inverse is true of a bad haircut...Two weeks is the longest it ever makes me look like I made a mistake.....I am going to forgo the head massaging and accidental chest bumps of my regular hairdresser, and go to a barber......This will either go fine, or necessitate the need for hats!!!

Denial over impending birthday.....actually it must be good denial because I honestly keep forgetting....I have a few things planned this time, so fingers crossed....bit rusty on this proper dating thing.

Almost finished picture.....Need it to dry before I can scan it.....It may seem strange putting in a lot of effort for a friends five year old, but seeing as my most of my pictures seem to end up on the walls of children's bedrooms, presenting a nice framed pic at a party full of kids and parents is actually quite good advertising.

Almost 11pm......Picture finished....I will mount and frame it in the morning.

Watching Scrooged on Foxtel....I have watched so many adaptions of A Christmas Carol....I first saw it, or at least I first remember watching it at school in movie club, year 5 or 6 maybe.....16mm copy in a dimmed classroom...not sure which version it was...lots of rattling chains and open graves....and I loved it.....I watch every version I can.....I wish someone would put together a compilation of them....I have watched Christmas carol versions of Six Million Dollar Man, MacGuyver, I have seen Capt Picard leave the deck of the Enterprise long enough to play Scrooge. Family Ties, Black Adder and even the Muppets have had a go.....

I think I really only like Scrooged because it has Bill Murray in it, which reminds me of Groundhog Day.....another  great source of TV Time loop versions...Stargate and X-files have both done very good takes on it...also Star Trek, Xena Warrior Princess, Buffy and more recently Supernatural and Blood Ties.

Maybe it is telling that I seek out these two stories in any form I find them.....Obvious, but telling.